Monday, February 7, 2011

Mind Dump

Hey guys. I'm writing today with a bit of a heavy heart and mixed feelings, and I've found the best way for me to sort through those mixed feelings is usually to write them out and try to make some sort of sense of them. So while I've had several ideas wanting to be written lately and I've been trying to pick through them, this one sort of takes precedence.

This post will probably touch on the fickleness of the internet, my last, past and present, the overall fragility of many things, and probably more, because the issue touches on it all. And while this seems really odd for something to be getting to me, of all the things that's been going on lately and other things I've been wanting to write about, it does, and sometimes emotions and reactions just don't make that much sense.

Shortly into my day yesterday, I found out what is probably my favorite blog, Righteous Orbs, was closing its doors. Tam made the post which is probably why it had as much impact as it did; while I enjoyed Chas's posts, too, Tam was my favorite. Not just of the duo, but my favorite blogger, period. While I wouldn't have been such an avid reader of the blog were I not at one point into WoW, since it was a blog about such, I still think I would've enjoyed either way... The same as I enjoyed the posts even after I'd distanced myself from the game. The man has quite a way with words, and while that's the most succinct way I can put it, it doesn't do him justice, to me.

After I started reading I quickly grew to enjoy reading his new posts almost every morning, or whenever he managed to post, as they dwindled down. There's something to be said about starting your morning with a laugh, a smile, often some inspiration or something to think about, which was the case very often as his posts could be rather wide-ranging. In time it became almost like starting the morning talking with a friend. And while the communication was more like a pen-pal or email conversations in form than talking face-to-face, or even in real time via instant messenger or such, I did come to think of them as friends, Tam moreso than Chas if for nothing else but because he did post more often.

They were quite inspiring. Many time I'd come away from one of their posts thinking, and in turn those thoughts wanted an outlet, more than just a comment. And so I started blogging. Many in the beginning started such as "The latest post at Righteous Orbs got me thinking, and..." but I eventually grew into my own right. Though there is no denying if it were not for Tam I would not have started at all. If it were not for him as well, I probably would have ended up giving it up. There is only so long you can talk to an empty room before you go to find a more engaging audience; Tam was my first visitor, and my first comment. The first person to let me know I was being read, and the first person to not just let me know my posts weren't painful to read, but were actually (at least at times) interesting.

There was a WoW blogging communities guild at one point, and I believe it still exists, both on EU and US realms. Thing is if you have a US account, you can't play on EU, and vice versa... I did eventually, after its founding, end up buying an EU version of the game in order to play on EU realms. There were several bloggers who played on EU I was interested by the thought of playing with, or at the very least talking with in such a manner, and there was a friend who played on EU-only at one point though I found out after I started playing EU that his account was running out of time soon and he didn't plan to pay for more time. So the reason I stayed and played on EU was SAN, the blogging communities guild, and if I am to be honest then I have to admit that, again while there were several bloggers over there I enjoyed, the main two were Tam and Chas. I mentioned elsewhere I am extremely, almost cripplingly shy very often, so I wasn't comfortable just asking someone who I didn't know for an invite into the guild, though I could've. Instead I added Tam and Chas to that toon's friend list and quested as normal for somewhere around a week I think before I actually got up the guts (after many proddings from a friend) to get over the shyness and whisper the next one who was on when I was for an invite, which turned out to be Tam. That was probably one of the most overly polite whispers I have ever sent, and I don't think he realized who it was who was asking for an invite. I ended up playing off and on over there (more off than on) for two months, before the budget got too tight to afford two accounts, but, while I very rarely said anything (again due to shyness), I did highly enjoy my time over there. It was also the most casual I ever played, so if I was ever to realistically return to WoW, I would be playing over there, rather than jumping back into what would end up the raiding scene with my best friends, which does say a lot.

So with closing my blog and quitting WoW completely, I lost two ways to communicate with a pair of people I did like to consider friends, who I would've liked the chance to talk with more. I realize now I missed out on that opportunity in large part due to my own shyness, which I should've just sucked up... but I think part of me also thought they wouldn't quit blogging, that I'd always have that way to talk with them at least. And now that that option isn't there, I'm really feeling not just the regret, but the loss. I do think the blogging community will probably suffer, and will miss them, but it's more than just the community's loss, it does feel like a personal loss. I could email them, and a large part of me wants to, but it also feels... awkward, like I'd be emailing a practical stranger, not just because I didn't take the initiative earlier, not just because I haven't been as active a commenter as I could've been, but also because there isn't that main communication, the common threads. Or maybe it is just shyness and paranoia...

The internet has done a fine job of connecting people who otherwise would never speak, or meet, or hear of each other. Many of those people become friends, at least of a sort. The friendships formed are as real as the ones in real life at their heart; just because they're not face-to-face doesn't make conversations not exist. And just like in real life, when the only real communication you have is the occasional meeting through a shared hobby, what happens when that friend stops sharing that hobby? Is it really appropriate to call or email that person when you no longer share that hobby, no matter how much you miss their presence in your life, however much a sort of peripheral affect they had on it? Or is it best to let the friendship die? Do you at least try?